A Personal Reflection on Decision-Making and Regret
In the past few weeks, we explored various psychological concepts related to decision-making. We examined theories, discussed case studies, and reflected on how psychological knowledge can be applied to real-world scenarios to improve choices and avoid pitfalls. Much of the literature focused on high-stakes decisions, cases where instinct, misjudged signals, or somatic markers led to poor outcomes. But as I engaged with these ideas, I found myself thinking about the more ordinary decisions we all make. Everyday choices that may not make headlines but still shape our lives in meaningful ways. When these decisions don’t go as planned, are they truly “wrong”?
Right or…Wrong?
Living in Sweden meant I had to learn Swedish. I enrolled in Svenska för invandrare (Sfi), where one day our teacher explained how to give and understand directions. She drew a model of a city on the whiteboard to illustrate her point. She showed us how to take a “genväg” (shortcut) to reach a destination quickly. Curious, I asked what the opposite of a shortcut would be. She smiled and said, “omväg” (detour), and started drawing a winding route that looped across her city map – left, right, up, and down – until it finally reached the destination.
Before I could respond, my classmate to the right laughed and said, “Well, that looks like the story of my life!” I had the same thought, and before I could say anything, our teacher nodded and laughed, too. I added, “Well, at least you’ve seen everything!”
That moment struck me. Looking at the ink-scattered map, I realized how often our lives take the “umväg”. These detours, full of twists and turns, might seem like being built on wrong and ineffective decisions. But though they might not be efficient – they are personal. They are ours. They include everything we’ve seen, everything we’ve done, and everything we’ve learned along the way. It made me wonder whether we can truly label a decision “wrong” [2] just because it didn’t take us on the most direct route (sometimes not even to your desired goal).
But let’s be honest – embracing that idea isn’t always easy. As humans, we often default to dichotomous thinking: good vs. bad, easy vs. difficult…right vs. wrong. When a decision leads to an unexpected or disappointing outcome, we tend to replay it in our minds. We imagine what could have been, creating scenarios where everything might have turned out better if only, we had chosen differently. And that is where regret comes in. We will take a deeper look at this and also looking at solutions for this phenomenon.
If Only…
The Canadian psychologist Neal Roese has written extensively about this phenomenon, known as counterfactual thinking. In his book “If Only…”, Roese explains how we construct mental alternatives to reality [5]. He describes two primary types: upward counterfactuals (“I almost…”) and downward counterfactuals (“At least…”). Upward counterfactuals tend to focus on missed opportunities and better imagined outcomes. Downward counterfactuals help us feel grateful by comparing our current situation to worse possibilities.
While occasional counterfactual thoughts can be helpful, especially when they lead to learning or motivation, excessive thinking can become burdensome. Studies suggest that constant upward thinking is linked with deterioration of mental health: People who suffer from depression are more likely to experience upward counterfactuals. But it also works in the other direction and here rumination is a key as it is linked to emotional distress. Individuals become trapped in negative thought loops, ruminate over past decisions, foster feelings of helplessness and self-criticism instead of growth and self-compassion, making them more vulnerable to develop depressive symptoms. This psychological mechanism plays a key role in our emotional experience of regret. Gilovich and Medvec (1995) describe regret as both cognitive and emotional – a reaction to the gap between what is and what might have been. It involves sorrow, disappointment, and often self-blame…especially short term. But interestingly, their research revealed a deeper insight: when people reflect on their lives over the long term, they tend to regret their inactions more than their actions.
The Road not Taken…
In one study involving older adults, 75% reported that they regretted the things they did not do – the risks not taken, the words not spoken, the paths not explored. These missed chances often linger longer than any regret for a mistake made or a failed attempt. As Gilovich and Medvec concluded, “When people look back on their lives, it is the things they have not done that generate the greatest regret.” So, what can we do about this? Fortunately, there are ways to manage regret and harness it constructively [3][4].
Learning to Live With “If Only” and Turning Regret Into Growth
Roese (2005) offers several practical strategies for managing regret and reducing the emotional toll of counterfactual thinking:
- Don’t Overreact: Resist the urge to withdraw from future opportunities just because of a past mistake. Avoiding risk can lead to stagnation and more regret.
- Think Downward: Cultivate gratitude by imagining how things could have turned out worse. This perspective shift can soften feelings of disappointment.
- Take Action: Try something new, even if it might fail. In the long run, it’s inaction – not failed attempts – that people regret most.
- View Regrets as Opportunities: Instead of letting “if only…” thoughts trap you, use them as cues for where growth and change are still possible.
Making Sense
There is another, often overlooked, dimension to regret: sense-making. Even decisions that seem misguided in hindsight aren’t necessarily failures. As human beings, we possess a powerful capacity for constructing meaning. Turner et al. (2023) describe sense-making as a dynamic process through which we build, use, and reject information to guide our actions. This process allows us to interpret ambiguous or disappointing results in a way that still supports personal growth [6]. In other words, we don’t just react to decisions; we process them. We try to understand them, place them within a broader context, and extract insight from them. This capacity enables us to reframe what initially felt like a mistake into something that helped us grow or led us somewhere unexpected.
Reframing Decisions and Their Results
You can actively enhance this sense-making process by practicing reframing, also called cognitive restructuring. Which is a technique from cognitive-behavioral therapy that involves identifying and challenging negative thought patterns [1]. Instead of interpreting a past decision as a “failure”, reframing encourages you to ask: What did I learn? What strengths did I discover? What new path did this open up? This isn’t about sugarcoating disappointment. It’s about recognizing that you have agency in how you interpret your experiences. By reframing, you can reduce the emotional sting of regret and transform it into a story of resilience, insight, and growth.
If you want to explore this idea further and if you want to know more about how reframing works read Tabula Rasa.
Final Note on Decision-Making
Regret can be painful. It can make us question our past, our judgment, and even our self-worth. But it can also teach us. It can highlight what matters most. The important thing to remember is you don’t know how the alternative would have unfolded!
The goal you imagined might not have brought happiness. The path you didn’t take may have held its own setbacks. What matters is what you do now. Focus on what your decisions have taught you, what they may have prevented, and what unexpected joys they may have made possible. After all, the detour might not be the fastest way to the destination – but it might just be the most scenic one.
References
[1 ] Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. New York: International Universities Press.
[2] Depeche Mode. (2009). Wrong. From Sounds of the Universe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhnrrLxQEVQ
[3] Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review, 102(2), 379–395. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/15459284_The_Experience_of_Regret_What_When_and_Why
[4] Gilovich, T., Wang, R. F., Regan, D. T., & Nishina, S. (2003). Regrets of action and inaction across cultures. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 34(1), 61–71. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022102239155
[5] Roese, N. J. (2005). If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity. Broadway Books.
[6] Turner, J.R., Allen, J., Hawamdeh, S., & Mastanamma, G. (2023). The Multifaceted Sensemaking Theory: A Systematic Literature Review and Content Analysis on Sensemaking. Systems, 11(3), 145. https://doi.org/10.3390/systems11030145